Hope is out there.

For at least half my life, I've struggled with depression. While it wasn't until the last year that I've realized what it was, but looking back, it's fairly apparent. It's a hard thing to live with, and it can be difficult to open up about. I've been fortunate recently to have friends willing to bear with me through this.

Another struggle that I've observed first hand is that of self-harm. It's not something I've had to struggle with myself, thankfully, but I've had close friends that have. It's hard to watch, but I've noticed that it can be much worse if they have no one to go to. Unfortunately, it's often difficult for them to find someone to talk to. I've seen relationships damaged because the wrong person was told. My university in particular has been known to be harsh on those who are "found out." Suspension was threatened if it didn't stop in one case, and the counselors on staff are better suited for grief and family counseling than self-harm, and they're understaffed for a campus of this size.

At this point, I'm going to do a bit of name-dropping; you've probably heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. They're an organization dedicated to raising awareness for depression, anxiety, and addiction, and making sure that people have access to the help that they need. They also focus on changing the stigma that tends to surround these issues. These stigmas can make finding help difficult.

This is what TWLOHA means to me. It's a movement to change unhealthy environments, and helping people who are hurting. Cliche as it sounds, they're a beacon of hope. They're a group of people who genuinely care about people that are hurting, and that is a rare and valuable thing in today's world. I, for one, wholeheartedly support this organization and their mission. Their efforts mean a lot to me, personally, and I hope that you would take some time to find out more about what they do, and what they stand for.

To Write Love on Her Arms: Behind The Scenes

This is blog post really spoke to me, especially considering the things that I've been going through lately. Enjoy:

To Write Love on Her Arms: Behind The Scenes:

'via Blog this'

Almost Getting Better

You ever wonder if you're a burden? Like you need the people that you care about more than they actually need you? That you're not giving enough into your relationships? It's a hard place to be. How do you resolve it? Will they tell you the truth if you ask? Will they be offended or relieved if you start pulling away or finding other friendships that you might be able to contribute more to? And is that even possible?

It's not something you can easily quantify. The thing I'm starting to realize is that people come to relationships for different reasons, so they may be expecting different things. Whether this makes maintaining relationships easier or harder is a matter of opinion and probably varies from relationship to relationship.

The important thing, I guess, is to try not to be selfish. Trying to make sure that you're not dead weight, and that you're making an effort to invest in their lives.

I know the last few posts have been pretty disjointed, but for now I'm just using this to work through some things. The less I keep in my head, the less stress I have to worry about. Hopefully, this will keep the depressed spirals at bay, and reduce the amount of tension going on in my life. I've had enough interpersonal tension lately, and I'd like a little time to recover.

Life from the Current Perspective

One of the most frustrating things, I think, is to see someone struggling, and to know that they need help, but they refuse it. To know, by experience, the fake smiles, the false enjoyment. That moment when you realize that someone who used to confide in you has given up talking to people. Whether it's just an attempt to deny the issue, or they feel, despite many assurances to the negative, that they're a burden. They try too hard not to hurt anyone, or make anyone worry, that they end up doing exactly that.

On a similar note, I wonder why there're people who don't believe in long-term friendships. Or maybe people worry too much about whether this friend or that friend are short-term or long-term friends, that they really miss the point of the relationship in the first place.

I'll admit, I'm notorious for the automatic withdrawal if I'm worried about getting hurt. The trick is realizing when you're doing that. Sometimes, it's not a lost cause, but to give up and withdraw guarantees that the connection is ended. Or at least irreparably damaged.

It's always worth wondering how your actions and decisions are impacting those you care about. And watch what you say: the ones who care about you most don't accept people bad-mouthing you, and they don't care if you're the one doing it. It WILL upset them, and most of the time it's MORE painful if the words are from your mouth.

The late teens-early twenties are some of the hardest years so far. Everything changes on a year-to-year basis, if not more. Change is good, but too much change leaves you lost with no direction. Finding which things to hold on to, and which to let go isn't easy, but it's necessary. Humanity craves stability, but it also requires change. Balance is the only way to be happy. Or as close as we can get to it.

So keep your head up, and hold on to what matters most. Grades, accomplishments, awards, mistakes; they all fade. Time can't be recovered, and you only have so long to make the connections that matter. Fear can't make your decisions for you. Trust me, I know.

"Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to." -Samwise Gamgee, Fellowship of the Ring

Struggling Through the Trenches

Depression is hard. Like, seriously. Don't knock it(or more specifically, those dealing with it) unless you've been through it. And if you still knock it(again, them) then you didn't really go through with it. It's really not as easy as you'd think, to just be happy sometimes. How hard it is to resist something when you don't see it coming until it's there and in full swing. It's tempting to blame it on negativity, or not enough Jesus, but the truth of the matter is that it's not that simple. It's not about how much "Jesus" you have, because I was extremely gung-ho Christian when I first started struggling with it. It took me almost eleven years to realize it for what it was.

The sad thing is that, in my experience, depression isn't just sadness. For me, it also comes with a lot of anger. You're lashing out at the slightest thing like a wounded animal because you have no reason to feel the way you do, and you feel helpless. It's the kind of thing that damages friendships, because they can't understand why you lash out the way you do. And that makes it hard to be on the other side of it, too.

It's a sick, twisted spiral. You lash out without meaning to, they take it personal and start to withdraw, which makes the depression worse, which causes more lashing out. The farther down you go, the tighter the spiral and the faster down it goes, plunging into the abyss at breakneck speed. And from there, suicide isn't so unreasonable. Thank God I'm not there yet.

I want this to stop. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop being hurt. I want to be able to connect to people when I'm with them, instead of having situations where the signal strength doesn't go beyond my own skin. I just want to get to the end of this horrid mess.

"[I will close my ears and my heart and I will be a stone]Dear God, make me a stone." -River Tam, Serenity. Brackets contain the approximate translation of a Mandarin phrase.