Depression is hard. Like, seriously. Don't knock it(or more specifically, those dealing with it) unless you've been through it. And if you still knock it(again, them) then you didn't really go through with it. It's really not as easy as you'd think, to just be happy sometimes. How hard it is to resist something when you don't see it coming until it's there and in full swing. It's tempting to blame it on negativity, or not enough Jesus, but the truth of the matter is that it's not that simple. It's not about how much "Jesus" you have, because I was extremely gung-ho Christian when I first started struggling with it. It took me almost eleven years to realize it for what it was.
The sad thing is that, in my experience, depression isn't just sadness. For me, it also comes with a lot of anger. You're lashing out at the slightest thing like a wounded animal because you have no reason to feel the way you do, and you feel helpless. It's the kind of thing that damages friendships, because they can't understand why you lash out the way you do. And that makes it hard to be on the other side of it, too.
It's a sick, twisted spiral. You lash out without meaning to, they take it personal and start to withdraw, which makes the depression worse, which causes more lashing out. The farther down you go, the tighter the spiral and the faster down it goes, plunging into the abyss at breakneck speed. And from there, suicide isn't so unreasonable. Thank God I'm not there yet.
I want this to stop. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop being hurt. I want to be able to connect to people when I'm with them, instead of having situations where the signal strength doesn't go beyond my own skin. I just want to get to the end of this horrid mess.
"[I will close my ears and my heart and I will be a stone]Dear God, make me a stone." -River Tam, Serenity. Brackets contain the approximate translation of a Mandarin phrase.
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